Supervisors Solve Transportation Funding Crisis in Prince William County

April 1, 2010: PRINCE WILLIAM, VIRGINA – The Prince William Board of County Supervisors passed its final motion last night to cure traffic congestion in the Northern Virginia county.   Prince William has now officially annexed Fairfax and Loudoun counties, nullifying the decision by the colonial General Assembly in1742 to divide Prince William and create a separate Fairfax County. 

According to a county spokesperson, the prime objective was to re-acquire Fairfax.  However, Loudoun County was later carved out of Fairfax County, so Prince William was required to seize control of both counties when it nullified the 1742 law.    

The spokesperson went on to say, “We now have a large enough tax base that can finance our fiscally-unconstrained transportation wish lists, even if we continue the tax-exempt status of the Pentagon.  For many years, Prince William has identified good, bad, and outrageously-silly projects in a series of documents that we have cleverly called long-range transportation plans.  By capturing property taxes from what was historically part of Prince William County, now we can afford:

– a ferry on the Potomac River between Quantico/Occoquan and the Pentagon/Navy Yard
– extending the Blue Line of Metrorail to Potomac Mills, and the Orange Line to Haymarket
– building 700 additional lane miles of paved highways in the county
– eliminating stoplights on Prince William Parkway by building interchanges at major intersections
– extending Virginia Railway Express (VRE) to Haymarket and Nokesville
– building a new bridge across the Potomac River to Maryland, at the aptly-named Southbridge community
– extending light rail up Route 28 to Dulles Airport

“Wow, they delivered on their campaign promises,” said one stunned observer.   “I’m gonna start looking closer in the bushes, to see if I can spot the Easter Bunny hiding eggs.”

The innovative county solution was proposed only a week ago by county staff.  According to a county spokesperson, the idea was stimulated by recent lawsuits filed by the state Attorney General. 

“We recognized the actions to ‘take back America’ also gave us an opportunity to take back Fairfax.  Power belongs to the people, and we are the people,” she said.  “Those politicians in Richmond and Washington have abdicated their authority by failing to perform the #1 purpose of government: make it possible for commuters to drive at 60mph down empty highways to get to work, while balancing a grande latte in one hand and talking on cell phones.” 

According to unconfirmed rumors, the Virginia Attorney General is considering a similar action, and may invalidate the 1632 charter for Maryland.  The Third Charter for the colony of Virginia defined boundaries that included the lands north of the Potomac River, and the authority of Charles II to grant that land to Lord Calvert is questionable. 

Officials in Richmond are reportedly interested in a particular property north of the Potomac River.  After the US Constitution was ratified in 1788, all of modern-day Washington DC was given by Maryland to the new Federal Government, to help form the District of Columbia. 

Virginia may absorb all of the state of Maryland, including its contribution to the District of Columbia, after invalidating the 1632 charter.  However, the Virginia Attorney General’s focus is the parcel where the Bureau of Engraving and Printing is located.  After obtaining clear title to that facility, the state is considering operating the printing press on weekends to print enough additional money to pay for a Third Tunnel in Hampton Roads and other transportation improvements across the state.

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